Quest for Independence

Independence: the quality or state of being independent: FREEDOM: DRIVER'S LICENSE!


I know I do not stand alone among parents of future, present or past teenagers.

As a parent, as your teenager begins taking the steps towards getting a driver's license, you experience intermittent waves of anxiety and excitement. Anxiety over the prospect of your child driving a car; after all, driving accidents are the leading cause of death among American youth. Excitement over your new-found freedom from having to play chauffeur on twenty-four-hour call.

Just below the surface of these two dominant emotions, I am also experiencing a small current of grief. And this grief is twofold.

There is no greater signifier of your teenager's independence than the driver's license. Once obtained, you are no longer needed as much as you used to be. Furthermore, you have less control than ever over where they are going and with whom.

It's scary.

Something I am experiencing is the realization that obtaining the driver's license means less time spent with me, less opportunity each week to connect. I spend a great deal of time in the car with my children and some of our best conversations happen in the car.

At home, we are too busy with daily living, but in the car, that is where we talk. The intensity of face-to-face contact is diminished, which allows for more flow in conversation. I am never surprised by what is said in the car, whether it is short trip to town, a medium trip to Fridley or a long journey out of state.

Big moments happen during transitions, which means rides in the car—by definition always a transition—and we have had our best conversations and problem solving sessions while in the car.

I know that will change. I know once the license is obtained I will know less and less about what they are up to than ever before, and not because of any conscious choice on either of our parts. I know I will miss them--just hanging out and especially laughing together on some of those rides.

We have a joke at our house. Whenever I do or say something that some (most, if not all) would deem completely inappropriate to say, do, or encourage of their child, we will laugh and say "that is an example of BAD parenting!")

I could REFUSE to let any of them get their driver's license, or even go to college, or move out, or say perhaps......have a life! (I think all of those above would be considered BAD parenting; I will check my Good Parenting Instruction Manual and get back to you).

Well, I guess I will let them get their driver's license. The Good Parenting Instruction Manual seems to think it is a good idea, something about self-sufficient, independent, blah...blah...blah.........

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I have been lucky with Kyle not being extremely eager to get his license. I know I won't be with Justin, he will be standing in line at the testing office at 12:01 a.m. on his 16th birthday. So I did take it all in and enjoy it.

Kyle turned 16 last May. In Minnesota you can take your test for your driver's license when you are 16.

Kyle really had no desire.

Kyle received a new truck for his 16th birthday.


He still had no desire.

His philosophy; why worry about it when you have friends that drive, I can get everywhere I need to get with them.

I was soooo hoping this would last.

It didn't.

Last summer he decided to take the written test and the driving classes. He did great on the written test. The driving classes left much to be desired.

I practiced with Kyle. He was shaky in some areas, but nothing I didn't think the driving classes wouldn't take care of.

Jay brought Kyle to take his driver's test. He didn't pass. Then I drove with him. I knew why.

I started practicing with him. In the small towns, on the freeway, in parking lots. His improvement was great and I thought he was ready.

Where we took him to take the driving test it is on a driving course. Not on real streets. It can get very confusing in there. Lots of signs, lanes, streets, lots of different things packed into a very small area.

This time Kyle was ready.

Dave and I took him. We were both so nervous for Kyle. We left him in his lane and went inside to wait. You'd think we were waiting for a baby to be born. Checking out the window.....he's still in there by himself.....oh, here she comes....she's getting in......there he goes!

Test underway.

They return. Kyle is a nervous mess. He gets out of the van and comes over to us (during this time he dropped his permit in the snow, which we didn't realize until later in the day and had to come back and look for it....we found it!)

Well.................

How did you do?!

I didn't pass. I went the wrong way down a one way street. THE EXACT SAME MISTAKE HE HAD MADE WHEN JAY HAD BROUGHT HIM!!!!

We had been wrong. Kyle wasn't ready.

He was disappointed, but not overly so. Kyle is real good about shrugging it off.

He had to wait a few weeks before he could take his test again.

I made the decision......after I had worked out my own personal issues with it and came to the fact I needed to let go and even consulted The Good Parenting Instruction Manual (you should all get a copy.....it has absolutely everything in it you ever needed to know about raising your children (please don't email me on where to get it......in case your parent's never told you.....it really does not exist....and I have asked quite a few different sources) ) that if we were doing this driver's license thing......we were going to do it!

I brought Kyle downtown St. Paul, during Winter Carnival. Difficult city to drive in, lots of people to watch out for.....and many, many, one way streets. We went down and around up and around. Turn here, turn there, go straight here.

He did great.

Other days we spent time going to Uptown, Dinkytown, Lowertown, downtown Minneapolis, highways, freeways, merging, turning, rush hours, bus lanes.

We did everything I could think of that would give him the experience and confidence he would need to make it through that course and to really be a pretty good driver.

The day came. It was time to take the test again.

When Kyle takes the test, he has to leave school early because the testing office closes by 4:00 and there isn't enough time after he gets out on a full day.

The day that worked with Kyle's schedule my work schedule was very hectic. Dave was getting off of work early and he made arrangements to pick Kyle up at school and take him to take his test.

Kyle and I had worked so hard together, I didn't want to miss it. I thought I should be there.

I hurried with what I had to do and drove the one hour one way trip from where I was to get to see Kyle take his test.

Due to traffic, when I got there, Dave and Kyle were also just arriving. Kyle was feeling a bit nervous. He wanted to go practice some parallel parking and drive around just a bit in Dave's van.

We drove around the neighborhood of the testing facility and then we ended up on some wrong roads, and finally on our way back to the testing facility. Kyle was ready. This is it.

We were within 1/4 mile of the testing facility. All of a sudden.......we hear......blump, berlump, blump.

We had a flat tire.

The front left tire was done.

Thank goodness I had come over. My van was in the parking lot of the testing facility about 1/4 mile away.

Kyle and I started walking. Someone was nice enough to stop for us. A very nice woman. She asked us if we needed a ride, which we did, and she brought us to my van.

We then had to go get the tire off of Dave's van, drive to a tire shop (about 45 minutes away), get a new tire and get back and get it on.

There would be no testing today.

It really is the worse when you are all ready to do something and then your bubble is popped (or tire in this case :) ).

I told Kyle he could miss school in the morning and we would try this again tomorrow.

Tomorrow came and so did another attempt at the driver's license.

This time it was just the two of us.

I really wasn't nervous this time. Kyle wasn't either.

We sat in the our lane, waiting for the woman to do the test, we visited and laughed about all the events that had taken us to this point. Here she came. I got out and went inside and waited.

They came back awhile later.

Well.............

How did you do!?

He pulled out his piece of paper.

He PASSED!!!

We went inside, filled out the remainder of the paperwork and they took his picture. (I was taking pictures this whole time.......most teenagers would be totally embarrased. Kyle has lived with this a long time. He is used to it.)

It just so happened the lady that completed his paperwork and took his photo was the same woman who had given us a ride the day earlier when Dave's van had a flat tire. She remembered us and was very glad to be sharing this experience with us.

It was official. He was now a licensed driver.

I have a philosphy......everything happens for a reason.

It was meant to be that Kyle and I were to spend the time together practicing and having that experience. It was meant to be that Kyle and I were to experience him passing....just the two of us......on that particular day. That day as we were together, Grandma Teddy passed away.....we found out together. We both knew she was smiling and laughing that Kyle had just become a licensed driver. Because of how everything fell together we had been releasing balloons together as she had passed away. Kyle will always think of that experience and his Great Grandma Teddy and the time spent with me when he thinks about the day he got his driver's license.

As our children grow, it is difficult to let go. To have the changes of their quest for independence forced upon us. We have to step out of our comfort zone and grow with them. Develop new ways to share in their life.

I may not be ready for all the changes, but they are coming. I can either go along for the ride and enjoy it..................or get run over by the car!