I want to get married!!!

Well, it happened again this week.

This is not the first time.

I had a bride call and cancel her contract.......there is not going to be a wedding. Actually, there was never even an engagement!

Over the years I have had many (want to be brides) call and inquire as to our services. I have even had mothers of want to be brides call and inquire as to our services.

In both cases, THEY (mother of want to be bride and want to be bride herself) feel the time is right. Too bad the groom (or, actually, not want to be groom) wasn't in on this.

I have had the occasion to have the situation many times. There are certain times of the year I get more phone calls pertaining to this subject than others. Valentine's Day and Christmas. I will get calls from the bride:

M: When did you get engaged

B: Well, we actually aren't yet, but I know he will be asking anytime! I want to be prepared.

or

B: Engaged. Well, really, that's just a technicality. We already live together.....and we know we are going to get married. We talk about kids all the time (in actuality it was HER that was talking about kids all the time) and all of our friends and family think we should be married. So I want to get ready.

I even had one poor guy get dragged to an appointment with me by the wanna be bride and her mother. He sat there politely throughout the meeting. The mother and daughter team were ready to sign the contract and I insisted that they think about it, look it over and give me a call. I did get a call. The next day. From HIM. It was very interesting to get the male perspective.

I have had a bride call me and was overwhelmed with her wedding planning and wanted to meet. She couldn't understand why the vendors she was paying deposits to and securing were being difficult with her and wanted to lock in dates. Well, couldn't they understand that it was difficult for her because she didn't have a date! He hadn't proposed yet!

In all fairness. I have had one bride call me, again that wasn't engaged yet. I met with the bride and groom. They BOTH signed the contract. Two weeks later he proposed to her and they had the most beautiful wedding and really do have a beautiful relationship. Kara and Eric I hope you are doing well!

So, sometimes it works out. Most of the time it doesn't.

In listening to the male perspective and looking from the outside in I have learned a lot about what goes wrong on the wanna be brides desired road to the altar. Often times, I not only see it in the wanna be bride, but I also see it in a bride that DID get him to propose. Like a game. She WON!!

Do you really want to go into a life long partnership like that? Nagging him into it, forcing him into it, guilting him into it, giving the ultimatum.........but, in the end.......WINNING!

I have seen, the marriage step is a source of many couple's demise. I've read that men marry at the right time and will make any woman the right woman when the time comes. Women marry the right guy, and will make any time the right time when the right guy comes. When a woman meets the right guy, and the guy is at the right time, the angels sing and all is right in the world. If those factors do not come into play and the woman has found the right guy but it just isnt' the right time for him.......and she cannot respect that or hear what he is saying to her.....the relationship will fail. Even if he does take the huge step because of pressure, or to not lose her, or for any reason other than that it was right for him, he will regret it, resent it, and the relationship will fail.

I am certainly no expert, but the following are things I have seen and been told that were of no help to the situation and perhaps being aware of them can help one of you not make the same mistakes. Perhaps not find yourself in a situation of wanting to get married for the wrong reasons. Perhaps not signing a contract with me only to have to call and cancel it.

Pressure from family and friends. Are you the only one in your family that is not married? Are you the only one in your circle of friends that is not married? Does everyone keep asking and poking about when are you going to get married? Value your singleness. It is time they left you alone. You do not need to be married to be a couple and you do not need to be married for your relationship to be validated.

Desperation or loneliness. Is this why you want to get married? Do you feel desperate or lonely? Are you projecting this to him? Are you afraid to be alone? This is a feeling that you have within yourself and getting married is only a temporary remedy. If you are emotionally empty getting married is not your solution. If you have deep places of emptiness. No partner is going to be able to fill them up.

You want to be taken care of. This is a really big one because so many people want to be taken care of. This does not necessarily mean financially, although that can play a part, but these persons usually become dependent emotionally on those they love. The other person wants to be with someone that is emotionally mature and secure with or without them. They are afraid of the burden of responsibility of taking care of you in areas you should be able to take care of yourself and afraid of the pressure your needs and expectations will place on them.

You want children and constantly talk about wanting children. Isn't it a big enough step to think about getting married. What an awful lot to put on the plate to already have the huge responsibility of kids thrown in. Although it is important to establish if both of you want children in your future, once it is established, let it be. Closing your eyes and seeing a marriage, mortgage, children, bills, bills, huge responsibilities and lack of your personal hobbies and leisure activity can be terrifying. Take one step at a time.

You want a wedding more than a marriage. Do you think he can't see this or doesn't feel this? Maybe you don't even see it....but believe me, I can usually see it early on in and it really is a shame. I cringe when all I hear is about the wedding colors, wedding dress, wedding favors, wedding....blah, blah, blah. You are certainly entitled to put importance on those things. Who doesn't love a beautiful gown and gorgeous flowers...... but it is ONE DAY. The marriage will be for the rest of your life. That is where the focus should be. I always tell my brides and grooms. There are really only 4 necessities for your wedding. The bride. The Groom. The Officiant. God. Everything else are unnecessary accessories and really do not mean a thing.

You have been together SOOOO long! I really laugh when I hear someone say this that has been with the other person less than three years. 3 years is nothing in the big scope of things. I have seen couples that have been together 10 years that are still working on getting their lives in order and are not ready for marriage. If you are wanting children and you are getting older, then it is more of a consideration and time for a very serious talk. Perhaps this isn't the person for you and your journey in life. Otherwise, if it is "just because we've been together soooo long" and everybody thinks you should be married by now, doesn't mean it is so.

Nagging and acting like a baby........ and he doesn't want to marry you WHY?! If you are going to nag and act like a baby over something that you should have total respect of his opinion on and for........obviously there will be much more of that fun stuff to come.

.....but I want to get married. I want to have kids. I want to move on with life. Marriage is about partnership. About WE not I.

Our life needs to move on. This is very common and has much merit. It can begin to feel like you are not moving forward. But, you are. Life is continuous self-discovery. Or, at least it should be. There would be more successful marriages, if people would take the time to know themselves first before they seek to explore the mind of someone else. If the other person is just not at the point that they feel comfortable with their self-discovery process, give them time. Allow them, and yourself, to experience a significant amount of time getting to know who they and you are. Life can be fulfilling without marriage, and especially without it right now. Appreciate the fact that you are with someone that desires to blossom into a person with a well-balanced character and desires to bring that into a marriage. Use this time to explore your own freedom and growth and allow them to do the same. If you just cannot do that, this was not meant to be.

Do not become more in love with love itself than with each other. Do not hang in there and continue the path of wanting to get married simply because you have "paid" your dues. There is no harm in being with someone for an extended period of time and NOT getting married to them. Every experience in life makes you who you are and are all valuable. Getting married is a built-in natural desire God has given most of us and He will work His hand. He has a plan for you and perhaps it is with the person you are with right now....and perhaps it is not. The important thing is to keep communication open. Keep your eyes and ears open to His plan. There is nothing wrong with wanting to get married and there is nothing wrong with not wanting to get married. It is wrong to get married for the wrong reasons. Respect your needs and the needs of your partner and God will lead you in the direction you are to go.

Looking forward to assisting you with your wedding.......when the time is right.....and AFTER the proposal! :)